Pretend to be okay put on a fake front and tell myself its okay, I will find someone who wants me back. Its difficult and I wish I could be indifferent. Tell me its okay it doesn't matter there are people who care for me. The world is a lonely place to live in. Trust is so fragile, don't give it away just like that. My throat hurts from the unspilled tears. Used to stay up all night worrying about the future. Now its a different kind of sadness. Its better this way, I can fly as high, as free as I want. Nobody to stop me nobody to drag me down. So many thoughts I cannot say. Self destructive behavior I cannot let anyone know. One day I will look back and laugh. Don't read too much into this, its rubbish. I am fine.

 Also I just realised that all the blog posts from Jan-Dec 2007 are gone forever. I blogged at a domain and the owner closed it and I didn't back it up. I'm kinda sad, 2007 was one of the best years of my life. I'd just meet Ck, my friends and I were close, mugged together and fretted over exams. Sigh. Maybe I just can't remember the shitty parts of 2007. Maybe my memory is romanticizing and skimming over the sad times. But I can safely say that 2006-2007 were the best years of my life. I was happiest. Of course there were times when I was unhappy/emo, but it isn't as bad as now/the past 2 years. Nevermind, once August comes I will be reunited with classmates again. The guys better go NUS not NTU. NOT NTU! NUS!! 

 Am locking new posts from now on, the people who matter don't read my livejournal, the people who are lj friends can read my friend locked post anyway, so that's that. What I really need now is a real life friend that I can count on but I don't know. I mean, its not like I'm so close to any one I'm okay with crying infront of them. No offense. 

In other news I may get an iPhone 3GS but 4G is coming out so.... I'm undecided. It'd be so cool if everyone in our clique has an iPhone except Johnson Lo that extra who has a blackberry. Blackberry's cool, I guess but its not an iPhone. I am scared to tell my mom I want to sell my phone though, its been used less than 6 mths. :(

Also I was just thinking, guys who chase me are weirdos, except for Ck. He's the first guy who liked me that was relatively normal. There was this guy in secondary school who stole my wallet and phone, and told his classmates that I was his girlfriend when I didn't even know him. I came to know about the incident when my friend from his class asked me if I really was his gf and I was shocked. And another guy who liked me liked to play mind games with me. One moment he'd say he like me, the next he'd say he hates me cos I didn't reply his sms. 

And I always fall for the bad boys, because they have a sense of humour and are able to laugh at themselves. Stupid? You'd be surprised at how many guys cannot take jokes. And obviously bad boys won't like me back cos they like bad girls. I'd always end up sad and heartbroken. 

Where are the normal guys who have a normal sense of humour? I need some cheering up. 

 Made a deal that I knew I'd probably lose. But its worth it. 6 months of being at someone's beck and call in exchange for a 1.5 years degree. If I get disappointed again, I'll probably lose hope in all mankind and humanity. I've waited 3 years for today, and I learnt along the way that Man can never change. I still don't believe what I hope will happen will happen.

 Have been procrastinating and not editing photos, think I really should start now!!

In school news: I got financial economics, money and banking, micro econs II and macro econs II. Excited about the first two. The module outline says its a vigorous course in assets/liabilities, portfolios, etc. Second one's about money liquidity and shit. I need to get A's in both modules!!!! Not so excited about micro/macro econs. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz.

Had a really sobering talk with Ck about our relationship. So depressing.

The past week has been insane. Sun-Tue: Stayed over in a hotel cos the renovation was getting nuts, Wed: Ck's boss' wedding, Thur- Sat: Chalet. Chalet was insanely, disproportionately fun. This is probably one of the funnest times in 2009. Gambled a disproportionate amount too. Hahaha. It was definitely worth the $50 we each came up with! We should do this alot more often. Love my friends! Hugs & kisses! xoxo